Gosh, it's been forever since I last wrote, hasn't it? Ok, well, not forever, just about 6 months. I'm always telling myself that I should post up some stuff about what's been happening, to keep my nil readers enthralled, you know? But somehow, things just tapered down gradually. I'd like to think it was cause I was so happening that I could just never find the time. I sometimes convince myself that it was probably because having been here for a certain amount of time, I settled down and things just didn't seem as fresh or exciting and thus, as bloggable any longer. Most likely though, I just couldn't be arsed any longer.
The difference now is that I'm leaving in 2 weeks. Returning from whence I came. Obviously, at this point in time, reflections on the past year occur. I've been more introspective these last few days and my mind seems to wander whenever it has the slightest opportunity to.
At first, during the last week of term, my mind kept skimming through scenes from my year abroad. I remembered the first time I met most everybody here - Laura, Wayne, Martin, Laurent, Francois, Marc, Marion, Tim, Tom, Jamie, Poul... Well, the list is pretty much endless. I can still feel, even now, my exact sentiments the first day I reached Durham. The exhilaration, the dream in fruition, the fear... Those first few days when I rambled around by myself. My trip to Seaham. All the nights drinking, clubbing or just hanging out in someone's room. Winter travels. Seems so foggy yet so clear. That last week of term was one of the most painful ones I've experienced to date. The last time I recall feeling so utterly despondent was when I was taking my 'A' Levels. I couldn't get my mind away from how much I loved this place. How much I would miss everybody. My mind would keep wandering. I wished so hard that I could just forget. Heck, I even wished I never came. Sure, I would have missed out on the best experience of my life. But I would also never have to experience that pain, that desire to just rip myself apart. The first time I turned to alcohol to forget (and hopefully the last). That Saturday, as everyone left in dribs and drabs, it was so emotionally straining. Somehow it felt like I was overreacting. I was the only one who went around constantly bursting into tears. Yet, it was because of all the freshers, only 5 of us were leaving. Everyone was saying "bye" for the summer. I was saying "bye, it was nice knowing you". I wished with all my heart that I was staying. That I was 19. That this was only my first year in University. Things would be so different if I were staying. I sure can't put myself in anyone elses's shoes, but to me, I had it the hardest. The Frenchies and Belgians, sure, they were leaving too... But firstly, they're still in Europe. They're so close. To visit would cost, what, 70 quid? I'm on the other end of the world. 500 quid away. Not only that, they came in pairs, they still had each other... Laurent could talk to Martin about everything, and he'd understand. As could Francois with Marc. I was alone. Alone and far away from home. The only sod who hadn't even been back for nigh 10 months now. And when I went back, I'd be alone. And all this a dream. I found that so hard to accept, to comprehend. I've never had to leave a place before. No one would understand. And a year gives one ample time to put down roots. If I'd left in December or came in January, things would be easier. It was good, I had a great time, bye. But a year... I was invested in Durham. I hated that week. And I know Francois, Marc, Laurent and Martin hated it too.
It was easier once I'd left college to move into Ustinov. Sure, my mind would wander and I'd be sad, but not having to be in Grey helped the sadness fade. And once the students had left, I could slowly come to terms with the situation. And I still had Laura and Luke and Wayne and Philippa and Francois with me. Then Wayne and Philippa and Francois left. And life moved on.
It's been just over a week since term ended. A lot has happened. I've met new people. I've moved 3 times and have now settled into Laura, Luke, Wayne and Tim's house for next year. I'm alright now. Occassionally, curveballs get flung at you. When I first moved into this house, I could just imagine next year for all these guys. The four of them moving around this house, and everyone I know moving around in their own houses. I won't deny I wish I could be a part of that too. But since I can't and I won't be, I'm ready to come home. I'm ready for this holiday and this dream to end. It was everything I expected and more...
You know, I'm even looking forward to going home. Two days ago, a transition occured. Aside from flashbacks and memories of Durham, I began to have flashbacks of my time in Singapore. Going to the Zoological Gardens with Kelvin. Chels birthday in the Botanical Gardens. Sleepovers at Duana's. My brother bursting into my room to lie on my floor to talk. Drinking in my balcony with Soony, and cycling with her overnight in ECP and our weekly meetings. And haha, to finally not have to do my own laundry or to wash dishes... Bliss =) Today, I hardly thought of Durham, I thought of Singapore and what I wanna do when I get back. Lop off my horribly long hair. Go see the dentist. Eat all the food I miss. Laksa, tim sum, cha tao kuay, mee tai bak, itek tim, my dad's stir-fried beef, sushi at Sakae with Soony, stingray, chicken rice, nasi lemak, even fish ball soup. Oh, kuay chap, tom yam soup and just anything SPICY! I wanna go back to Sentosa. Go for Mortini's. Go to Blooies with my brother. And sit on my balcony getting drunk with Soony =)
And I felt like writing on this blog again. To capture the last few moments, the last few thoughts running through my mind. I've grown in this year. Not from the country, not from the people, but from being away. And there's so much I enjoyed, and I can't express how much I'll miss. Forget the bad times, remember the good.
It was a good year.
